A Time to Heal

I’ve started training again after a year of unplanned break. I did plan to take a break but only for 3 month or so but somehow it dragged on to a year. At first I was held back by my health. I was too weak to start training again. By the time I was feeling better, fear, shame, disappointment that I thought I had gotten over is still there and very much alive. I guess I’m still weak emotionally and mentally.
All this while, I know I miss it a lot. But I never know how much I miss it until I finally manage to go today. I miss the adrenaline rush that I get when I spar. Gets me high.. I miss everything about karate even the blisters and bruises. Sound silly but its true. It makes me feel alive, real. And more importantly, it helps me forget all my problems, even if only for a while. The physical pain helps me to take mind of the pain I feel inside. Even better when I bleed. I guess I understand why people cut themselves.
I’m not saying that I’m addicted to pain or that I condone self mutilation. I’m just saying that I understand why people do that. It helps them to cope emotionally. They’re letting it all out. Some cry, some destroy stuff, some curses etc but when even all that doesn’t help anymore, some resort to self mutilation. Makes them feel better to turn the emotional pain into physical pain simply cuz physical pain is real. And sooner or later it heals..
Anyway, I feel better tonight than I have the last few months, even if my feet hurts like hell cuz of the blisters. Now I cant wait for the bruises..