I woke up with a
start. I had been having a nightmare, details of which vanished the moment I
was on the brink of lucidity but the horrible feeling lingered. I put a hand to
my forehead but there were no perspirations and my hair wasn’t matted to my
head. I lowered my hand to my chest and expected my heart to be racing a
thousand miles per second but it wasn’t. So I just laid there trying to figure
out if I was indeed been having a bad dream and tried to recall what it was
about but failed miserably. Even when I closed my eyes real tight, which seem
to work sometimes, but not tonight.
However as I lay
there with my eyes closed, trying to put together invisible pieces, I realised
I had indeed been scared. Although it wasn’t the type of fear that would cause
you to dampen your pillow case with cold sweat or the one which causes your
heart to feel like it was about to beat through your chest. No. This is the
type of fear that causes your heart to ache so bad that you feel like running
down to the kitchen to get a knife or anything sharp enough that you can plunge
into your chest, cut it open and yank the aching heart out hoping that it will
stop hurting. The only thing that’s stopping you is the sense of hopelessness
that has somehow slowly crept through your whole body, while you were unaware,
paralysing your limbs because deep down you know that even death cannot stop
the pain. Some people call it loneliness but I know this fear is worse than
that.
As the fear and panic
rises from deep within me and formed a lump at the back of my throat, I
realised I couldn’t breathe. I was gulping mouthful of air but I wasn’t
breathing. Ironically, my heart began to beat faster. As hot tears began to
trickle from between my closed eyelids, I felt a familiar touch on my hand. I
opened my eyes and saw the face of the man I love staring back at me. He smiled
his sweet, sweet smile, wrapped his hands around me and went back to sleep
without saying a word. Disappointment replaced the fear for an instant but I
knew just having him there was more than I could have hoped for.
I wrapped my
arms around him tightly, burrowing further into his embrace and breathing in
his smell. As I lay my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, I
realised that he is real thus all the fear began to ebb away.
As I was
drifting back into slumber, the soft, distant ringing of my mobile phone brought
me back to reality. With eyes still heavy with sleep, I answered the phone.
Hearing the familiar voice of the man who loves me on the other end filled my
heart with a new sense of fear and dread.
“Sweetheart, are you coming home tonight?”
